For years he had been drinking and she started later in my life, so I also blamed his actions for making her drink. We are seeking accountability for our own actions and holding ourselves to the standards of our own values and our 12 Step program. We can’t know for certain how another person will respond—or even how the interaction might affect us emotionally. So be sure to talk with your sponsor and/or support group about your plan in the event that you need support. Thank you again for taking the time to listen (or read this) and please reach out if you have any questions or feedback in the future. Many of us find it helpful to reflect on our amends after making each one.
How Taking Responsibility Improves Recovery
By proactively and “promptly” admitting wrongs, those in recovery may be able to prevent future conflicts that could trigger a lapse in unhealthy behaviors or a return to use. Of course, if you can make direct amends you should do so; this is why having a sponsor or advisor to help give you direction is so important. If you aren’t able to make direct amends, then you can volunteer your time or help someone else out. Making amends is more than just an apology, it’s changing your life around and changing your ways; eliminating the destructive behaviors that were once part heroin addiction of your life. It’s important to note that not all actions are forgivable, and not all amends will be accepted. Sometimes, we hurt people beyond the repair of that relationship.
Making Amends – Moving Through AA Steps 8 and 9
Even if you want to justly or correct, allow them the right to express their experiences, feelings and thoughts about the harm. If you have a reaction to their feedback, pause and just listen then share your thoughts about this with your support system, therapist or sponsor. “Freedom” seems to be the word that most clearly describes the essence of Step Nine.
Supporting Continuous Recovery
- But what happens when the person you need to make amends with dies before you’re able to apologize and change your ways?
- But the rewards you’ll reap from living amends can help make the challenges easier and more productive.
My only goal right now is to acknowledge the harm I caused and do what I can to make amends, if that’s possible. In Step 9, participants acknowledge the negative impact their addiction had on others and commit to direct amends where possible. These actions demonstrate a new way of living and help develop accountability, paving the way for Step 10, where amends are made immediately upon realizing harm. However, completing it often brings immense relief and renewed hope. Step 9 is about restoring peace through self-forgiveness, forgiving others, and making amends, which is essential to recovery.
You’ve probably already discovered that by staying clean and sober and by working the Twelve Steps of AA that things are getting better. Becoming a ”better person” means that we are less willing to engage in destructive behaviors, mostly because we are aware of how much they cost us in human misery. That self-centeredness is replaced by an awareness of other people, and instead of being indifferent, we begin to care. When you make a real effort to change your past behaviors, you need to make the initial move in repairing broken relationships. These steps mean living amends aa taking ownership of the past, apologizing for wherever you made mistakes and moving forward from those missteps.
…friendly and super personable…
- While making amends can be healing, the outcome is not always predictable.
- Undoubtedly, you, too, have a list of ways in which you want to live out your living amends, and that’s great!
- When it comes to making amends to others, there are usually a lot of fears and expectations involved.
- The FHE Health team is committed to providing accurate information that adheres to the highest standards of writing.
- In fact we usually discover that what we first thought was the obvious method of making amends, might not be right after all.
If you or someone you love is struggling with active addiction or substance abuse, our specialists are available around the clock to assist you. At Recreate Life Counseling, we offer both inpatient and outpatient programs, with evidence-based addiction treatment designed to support every stage of the recovery process. Whether you’re dealing with alcohol addiction or another form of substance use, we are here to help you on your recovery journey.
The purpose of Step Nine is to acknowledge the harm caused during active addiction and to make it right with the people involved, as much as possible. Even though they have similarities, living amends are different than making amends. While making amends is apologizing, living amends means living a completely new, sober lifestyle, and being committed to that lifestyle for both yourself and those you’ve harmed in the past. It means that you’re not just using your words to show a change, your actions are proving this change as well. Whenever possible, a direct amend is made face-to-face rather than over the phone or by asking someone else to apologize on your behalf.
Living amends, in this event, can include making changes to the behaviors contributing to the falling out between the survivor and the person they owed an apology to. For example, let’s say a mother didn’t make an effort to escort her children to the school bus stop. One of her children is killed crossing the street on their own even after telling their mother that they were afraid to cross the busy street alone. A living amend might include a posthumous promise to the deceased child to, from now on, make it a point to walk their surviving siblings to the bus stop each day. Use this list to reflect on the impact of the things that occurred and the accountability you are now capable of owning. For your own good, spend time considering how you would handle it differently now.
Yes, we partake in the process to “clean up our side of the street,” but we do not make amends to clear our conscience or undo our feelings of guilt. If someone does not want to hear from us, we respect that and do our best to move forward with our recoveries. Joi Honer directs the operations that support our alumni in their recovery from mental health and substance use disorders. Ms. Honer, who has been in long-term recovery for over 40 years, has worked in the treatment field for over 33 years. She holds certifications in addiction and co-occurring disorder counseling and a bachelor’s degree in addiction studies, having graduated summa cum laude.
Step 9: Discern Whether 12-Step Amends Are Safe and Appropriate
Step 9, often seen as one of the most challenging, requires courage, humility, and guidance. More than an apology, it’s about making genuine amends—taking action to correct past mistakes without causing harm. Here, we explore Step 9, its goals, possible outcomes, and effective language for making amends. Other individuals who have completed Step 9, such as your sponsor, may be able to help you choose a meaningful way to make indirect amends. When choosing to make amends, exercise careful consideration of yourself and others to ensure you avoid causing further harm in your recovery efforts.